Thursday, December 12, 2013

Three Years Later...

I’ll start off by saying I refuse to let this blog end on a happy note with no follow up. Sadly, this will not end on a happy note, rather it will end with a mixture of fear, a little resentment, anxiety, and maybe, just maybe, some optimistic anticipation. I don’t care who reads this. I’m an open book now either you read it or ignore, it is up to you.

Things Change

In my younger years, before college, I didn’t pay any mind to how things change. I didn’t plan or invest heavily into my future. I didn’t even plan on college, it was a (spontaneous) decision. I didn’t have any serious aspirations in my life during my senior year of high school besides passing grades and finally leaving behind my hopeless romanticism of love and relationships. I, at the time, thought I was happy with my life. Today, I know that that was not happiness; I was comfortable.

I was, and still am, stagnant though I’ve discovered that change; who you are, what you do, what you plan, is required; a necessity that all people must go through. I’m not suggesting drastic, risky, and blind life changes, but small “adjustments”. It covers the broad spectrum of people from those who have everything right where they want it, to the ones who live day-to-day, never knowing what they must do next. Being stagnant, like I have been since as far back as I remember, has attributed to many unfortunate issues and events in my life that put me behind where I want to be and has cost me so much pain and heartache.


I was that guy in school. The quiet one; the one who had nothing to say. Now those of you who know me personally would agree I can be quite talkative and social, but it’s all very dependent on the situation. Outside of my circle, I’m an involuntary outcast. I want to seek out good people, friendly people, ones who not only keep their lives in check (adjust), but those who are of strong moral character. I don’t want to say I can’t, no, that is impossible to say, but I, at least due to the way my life has gone so far, find it difficult to initiate socially. That is, if someone came up to me and started talking to me, I’d be more inclined, nay, obliged to converse with this person. The other way around, however, is where I’m socially hamstrung. Has someone ever asked you, the reader, the question of “if there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be?” I could never answer that because I wasn’t so sure about what I really wanted to change. Today, I know exactly what I would change.

Outside of that, I’ve often found myself attempting to break out of that shell a number of times regardless of my difficulty, but it’d always end poorly. Now that I’m single again, there’s been an uptick in those attempts. For example, on Sunday, I went to a singles meetup organized by an online community I’ve frequented over the last few years. It went well, for the most part. I met a few nice people and was able to socialize (sans initiation). Though when a portion of the meetup drifts to one side of the room and you have the issue I do, that hilly social climb becomes mountainous. I never even got to speak with the few women that showed up (the gender ratio was horrid). Do I plan on going to more meetups (outside of singles-only)? Yes. It’s a needed change.

Depending on your definition of “friend”, I either have one or many. Personally, I feel friendless. Regardless of what certain people have said to me, I’m the master of acquaintances. Never close, never talking (except for one, who I’ve known for about 18 years now), ignored, busy with their own lives, or, for a lack of a better term, don’t care, since they already have what they want. I inherit friends from my relationships, but once that’s over: why would they ever need me?


I was jobless until the age of 23. I blame my lack of ambition in college for that. Unsurprisingly, knowing someone got me my first job; not my (poor) grades, not my abilities. Outside of school, I work hard where it counts. I try not to let people walk over me. But does it really all matter when all that employers look at is a single number on a piece of paper?

“Under a 3.0 GPA? Off to the shredder with you!” or “Your grades suck, but so-and-so said you’re cool, so we can take a chance.”

There is an issue with society once it no longer values work ethic outside of schoolwork that ultimately teaches you nothing since everybody does things differently outside of a classroom.

I digress…

I’m not allowed to avoid any blame on myself for where I am academically. I could blame the Zoloft that I’m no longer on, maybe it killed my drive to put effort into things. I could blame what some might call serial monogamy, which is a root cause of my complacency. I could even blame my upbringing, but I will not, because I was fine up until my teenage years. It’s one of my huge regrets in my life thus far; not focusing on my college grades. Hell, as of right now, my degree hinges on one grade, like it always has in my college career. I regret that I have even put myself in this situation countless times. This time, I have no contingency. I can’t tell the future, but I may have guaranteed myself a very painful 2014.


Love combined with my sentimentality is dangerous. I’ve never had a normal relationship. I’ve had two long-term relationships almost back-to-back (a small fling in between), but they both started out too fast (in hindsight). I never went through the whole courtship thing. Speaking about the most recent one, it was one date and then suddenly, I was a boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be that, but now that that relationship is over, maybe having two or three more dates would have helped avoid future problems by bringing out our incompatibilities sooner.

One of the major issues in that last relationship was my lack of change and ambition to be a better person for my own sake. You can only imagine how much it pains me that I didn’t see this problem sooner or I would still be in that same relationship today. I would have been able to adjust to accommodate this woman; work through our differences and make them work for us instead of against us. At the same time, I’d be changing for MYSELF and not for the woman whom I loved and still, at the least, care for. I would beat past-me over the head with this knowledge if I could; to get it through my head that my ability to become stagnant, too comfortable, and too afraid to change lost me yet another “love of my life”.

If there’s any advice I could give regarding relationships, it’s this:

NEVER under ANY circumstances, blindly plan a future with the one you’re with.

I’m talking about any statement about the future (moving in, marriage, kids) that you share with your S.O. that begins with the words “if we…”  If the outcome of that is either neutral or positive, then you’re going to subconsciously build a future in your head with that person and when that relationship ends by any means, all of that built up future will fall on your head.

For example, I seriously believed that the woman I was with was going to be my wife someday. I found it easy to plan out my ambitions, how to land my career-starting job, save up money, get a ring, and propose. That all sounds exactly against how my life has been, so this was a good thing, right?

Can you guess what happened?

We broke up. Thankfully, amicably. I was so absorbed, so content with the idea of having a future with her that I completely ignored the major issues in what felt like a normal relationship. I planned for the future, but didn't act on the most urgent issues. I probably could have made the proper changes in time. I didn’t. I regret it every day since.


I’m turning 25 in January.

Almost a third of my life is over (assuming I only live up to the age of 79, the life expectancy in the US), not a majority, so there is plenty of time to change for the better.

I must change.

- Jonathan A. Wienclaw

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